Welcome To The Crossroads

Welcome to Hells beating heart: The Soul Exchange Authority.

In the early days of damnation, the trade of human souls was managed directly by Satan Himself. He really enjoyed the personal touch, he loved nothing more than taking his goat for a walk to the crossroads at midnight and smoking a cigar whilst listening to blues. Then Finish off with the exchange of bloody signatures by candlelight. It was charming, intimate, some might say artisanal.

As the mortal population exploded, demand outpaced capacity and the old model of one soul at a time, handshakes and brimstone, simply couldn’t scale. By the 15th century, Satan found himself double booked across 3 continents and 9 realities. Deals were misplaced, souls were lost in transit and mortals were selling to freelance demons at unregulated crossroads. Put bluntly: Hell had a supply chain crisis.

In response, an emergency board meeting was called somewhere between New York, London and Limbo. That meeting recorded the following motion:

“To establish an independent authority responsible for the collection, processing and ethical mismanagement of souls in a modern, scalable and compliant manner.”

Thus, The Soul Exchange Authority was born, it’s a subsidiary of Infernal holdings group, which is itself a division of Hell inc. Our clients include celebrities, influencers, politicians and at least 3 fat bankers. Every soul  is catalogued, cross referenced and stamped with the immortal disclaimer: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

The Soul Exchange Authority now operates in over 72 metaphysical jurisdictions and handles approximately 666 billion soul transactions per eternity.

We proudly boast:

• The HellPad Cloud System which allows real time tracking of guilt metrics.
• Infernal Intranet which connects regional divisions across multiple realms.
• Remote soul acquisition eliminates the need for a physical crossroads.

• Patented fireproof ink

Meet the team:

• Mentis Morningstar – Duke of Despair & Prince of Paperwork

Title: Chief executive of suffering

Department: Infernal operations & spiritual asset management

As the first son of Satan, Mentis Morningstar rose quickly through the ranks of the Underworlds bureaucracy with a grin sharp enough to cut through moral fibre. As the appointed Prince of paperwork, he oversees the delicate art of temptation, contract negotiation and post damnation customer service.

Known for his velvet voice, impeccable fashion sense and refusal to let mortals read the small print, Ryan Morningstar has personally brokered more soul transactions than any other demon this fiscal eternity. His management style is described as charismatically cruel and when not auditing damned souls, he enjoys collecting cursed antiques, sipping on Hellfire Lattes and hosting team building séances.

• Lucinda Cinders – Senior HR Demoness

Title: Director of pain management & employee discipline

Department: Hellfire Resources (H.R.)

Lucinda Cinders has spent the last six centuries perfecting the delicate balance between motivation and eternal torment. As the senior HR Demoness, she ensures all Soul Exchange Authority employees remain compliant, damned and miserable.

With a background in infernal psychology and a masters degree in workplace damnation, Lucinda specialises in conflict escalation, disciplinary brimstone deployment and mandatory suffering workshops.

When she’s not conducting performance punishments or updating the employee grievance scrolls, Lucinda enjoys candlelit interrogations, screaming yoga and mentoring young demons on the art of passive aggressive damnation.

• Stanley Sulphur – Director of Infernal Accounting

Title: Keeper of the lost souls

Department: Financial damnation & eternal auditing

Stanley Sulphur has been balancing the books of the damned since time began and he hasn’t smiled once. As the Director of Infernal Accounting, he ensures every soul acquired, bartered or misplaced is properly logged, taxed and tormented according to the Underworlds ever evolving fiscal nightmares.

Known for his unholy precision and terrifying calmness, Stanley once found an error in Satans personal expense account and lived to correct it. He pioneered the brimstone budget initiative, introducing cost effective suffering through recycled despair and ethically sourced agony. When not calculating eternal interest rates, Stanley enjoys playing sudoku by firelight, reorganising debt into descending order of misery and lecturing junior demons on the importance of accurate soul valuation.

• Malcolm Malfeas – Chief compliance Fiend

Title: Keeper of the rules nobody reads

Department: Infernal oversight & ethical corruption

Malcolm Malfeas is the Soul Exchange Authority resident Chief compliance fiend, he’s responsible for ensuring that all contracts, temptations and eternal punishments adhere strictly to Hells by laws of malevolent conduct. Known for his unblinking stare and ability to detect the whiff of moral hesitation, Malcolm keeps the infernal bureaucracy running smooth. As a former auditor of forbidden covenants, he personally reviews every clause written in blood to ensure it’s legally binding, delightfully deceptive and maximally inconvenient for mortals. His office proudly displays a framed cease and desist order from Heaven’s legal department.

When he’s not rewriting the definition of consent for infernal purposes, he enjoys chess, passive aggressive memos and updating the 17,000 page employee misconduct codex.

• Karen from the Abyss – Customer Complaints Liaison 

Title: Head of screaming, hold music and hopelessness

Department: Post damnation support & mortal complaints

Nobody ruins a mortal’s day quite like Karen from the Abyss. As the customer service liaison for The Soul Exchange Authority, she handles all complaints, refund requests and spiritual crises with the charm of a banshee on her third coffee of the apocalypse.

Armed with a headset and an unending rage, she ensures that every mortal who dares to call the helpline regrets it by the second ring. Her hold music is an endless remix of screaming souls.

When not putting mortals on hold indefinitely, she enjoys collecting negative reviews, perfecting her passive aggressive smile and talking about her infernal awards for psychological endurance.

Our mission is simple:

To bring professionalism, paperwork and just a touch of panic to the ancient art of selling ones soul. Our staff of devoted demons, compliance fiends and customer service nightmares work tirelessly (because they legally can’t stop) to ensure every mortal receives a memorable and morally questionable experience.

Remember:

All deals are final, all flames are decorative and all suffering is strictly for entertainment purposes.

Thank you for choosing the Soul Exchange Authority 

“If you’re going to suffer, at least make it spectacular.”